My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”