I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
They’re on their honeymoon
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful