my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
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My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
based al yankovic
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.