My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.