me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
iPhone X
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY