I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
they really do be looking like this
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.