*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
my sentiments exactly
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign