Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
There is no try. There is only give up.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night