Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself