I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars