Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.