Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*puts words between two asterisks*
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.