“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.