My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Something Saturday.