Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
that wasn’t the question
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: