Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
(True)
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.