ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.