Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
How your email finds me
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.