People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.