“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.