I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Danger is very dangerous
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.