i love modern commerce
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
titanic
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No