A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: