Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
San Francisco has too many rules