[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
The devil.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.