[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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