Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.