“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
This cat wants you to take your pills
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Here’s a meme
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up