Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
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[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.