Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
went fishing caught a bass
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.