Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
How times have changed.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
#math
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?