I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.