Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I cannot call her anything else now
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going