The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day