Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?