[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.