I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack