I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
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My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.