Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer