PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
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bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Fiction has to make sense.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side