curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
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For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics