people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
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IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
President The Rock Obama
got so much cardio in today
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist