Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.