Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
i wish we could shoplift online
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.