What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.