“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.