[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
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[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead