I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down