Awwwwww he is confused! 鉂わ笍馃ぃ馃ぃ
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friend: you鈥檝e been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Why don鈥檛 you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone鈥檚 place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I don鈥檛 mean to brag, but I鈥檝e received a lot of emails that find me well.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we鈥檙e fighting now.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you鈥檇 get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your r茅sum茅?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn鈥檛 eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn鈥檛 eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.