[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I feel it
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Dolls on drugs
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore